Archive for January, 2011

2010; The Year In Review

January 2, 2011

Greetings All,

And welcome back to the Stewart News Network (“We report, you repeat”). Later this hour, we’ll show you how to determine if your family cat is a Marxist (hint; most are), but at this moment, we pause to send you to most joyous of Christmas and New Year’s greetings, and welcome this opportunity to bring you up to speed on Stewart-related events.

Our lead story tonight…all is well in the Stewart household. Oh, sure, we have our share of trials, tribulations and unfortunately positioned dog urine, but in the grand scheme of things, we are blessed, and hope the same holds true for you.

In a developing story, Master Jack, now 11, has launched a bold initiative, Take Back The Education Process, by being home schooled for this, his fifth grade. Under the astute instruction of his mother, he is receiving a real American education, free from the mind-washing menace of government lies. Outside of the classroom, Jack continues to follow his passions of baseball, swimming and horseback riding.

Breaking news…Beno, now 21 (!) will be returning for another semester at Towson University in January. Beno is currently a Junior, majoring in mass communications, which means he will be perfectly poised to bring about the downfall of the liberal, east coast media elite. When not challenging the canons of academia, Beno enjoys basketball, fraternity life and the wheels of steel.

Of course, the lead story of 2010 has to be glorious, grassroots uprising of the C-Party (a.k.a. Cindy). This defiant Director of Domestic Operations made headlines this year with her inspirational challenge to the Beltway power elite. Rest assured, however, this newly acquired influence has not gone to her head. Cindy remains steadfastly devoted to her family, her community and, of course, bear hunting.

Meanwhile, the controversy surrounding Hank’s birth certificate rages on. Hank somehow continues to hold on to his Vice Presidency at Green Team, despite his having never produced certified proof of being born. He counters that he has publicly presented both mirth and girth certificates, yet critics maintain those don’t count. Hank continues to fight fires and write about beer, and has joined the zoning board of his local village.

That concludes this edition of the Clan Stewart Annual Letter. We hope the new year will bring you good health, joy and prosperity. Be sure to stay tuned to the Stewart News Network for the latest Stewart news, including an update on the innovative No Child Left Behind At The Mall policy.

Clan Stewart